Once I Mourned My Lonliness

There was a time

I grieved my loneliness

When I mourned the fact

That I had somehow

In some strange

And bizarre way

Forgotten how to be me

It was a dark time

So many clouds

So many mistakes made

Mistakes that haunt

Mistakes that linger

Like smoke

Seeping into the cracks

Of a wooden wall

That faint stench remains

That was then, though

And that was him

And that was all wrong

A house without love

That invariably fell

Like a stack of cards

That was a long time ago

I have since seen the crossing

Of so many many moons

Across a twinkling night

And I have escaped

To someplace warmer

And someplace sweeter

Where I can hear the waves

Of the cool cool ocean

Rolling in my ears

And I have once more found

My loneliness

Like a comfortable old shoe

I put it back on

And walked back to myself

And I found my spirit intact

Somewhere under the rubble

That was once called “us”

And its heart was still beating

And its soul was alive

And I cleaned it all up

And put it back on

So nice and shiny and squeaky

And it felt good

And it felt right

And it felt like home

A home so far away

From the home I’ve always known

And yet altogether familiar

And I grew up in this place

I learned how to cope

How to properly manage

How to be who I am

Regardless of the tides

That beat against me

Trying to shape me

Into something else

Something I’d never recognize

And never really be…

And I have walked this path alone

Living learning and loving

All the beauty that is

This life here on earth

All the magick that truly exists

And it’s been real

And somewhat complete

Even though deep down

I knew somehow somewhere

There would be another man

This time a better man

A man who understands

What it means to me

A man who wants to enhance me

Rather than change me

A man who wants to love

Rather than control

A man whom I can hold onto

And share all these thoughts

That my crazy brain has to spill forth

A man who could put up with me being me

Just as much as I could put up

With him being him

Have I found this man?

Not yet

but some day I may meet this man

who will totally get me, love me and thrill me

and we will be totally in sync

and I may discover a wonder

I've never known

And it’s a bit scary

And it’s a bit crazy

But oh it would feel so right

Some day I just might

Walk right out of my loneliness

Into something so new

And full of wonder and happiness

And all those other words

That describe the heart lifting

And taking flight

And who knows?

Maybe I’ll find that version of myself

I was always meant to be

Somewhere within

The embracing of him and I

Maybe I’ll finally catch the feeling

Of how it is “meant to be”

How good it can be

How good it will be

We shall see!